Friday, January 1, 2010

Every so often, I find myself in a bit of a pickle. Ok, well actually if the truth be told, I seem to always find myself in strange situations. But that is a completely different conversation. It goes sort of like this: I am riding along, just cruising. My tunes are blasting in my ears, my head is bee-bopping side to side. I am, inevitably, belting out some song at the top of my lungs. Life is good and I am carelessly blissful. And then, in an instant, the road is gone and I am wide-eyed with hands on the brakes and the tires squealing...... My heart races, the adrenaline pumps full steam ahead, all my muscles tense, and I am so wound up that the ensuing crash is almost a blissful finale.

Sprawled out, twisted, battered and bruised, spread eagle on the ground. I can't help but to laugh at myself. Hmmm. This view is familiar! I have seen it before!! I have powered forward at full speed so quickly, almost desperately even, focused so fully on the horizon that I didn't even see the gigantic river RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! This isn't the first crash and I can say with full confidence that it will not be the last. It is in my bones, my very nature. Like a 3 yr old running hog wild through the house in an attempt to stay awake, I run at full tilt trying to do anything to avoid quiet and silence. Anything to stay out of my head. I hate that place. Stillness makes my mind suffocate and scream for help. The thoughts and doubts (yes, I have them too) are my dementors and it is so much easier to outrun them than to face them.

And that brings me to January 2010. This will be one of my hardest monthly challenges and I find it fitting to do it from the start. Last night at midnight, I didn't tumble out of 2009 and claw my way to 2010. Nope. Last night, I hoisted my bike on my shoulder and with complete confidence and poise, and not too much fanfare, crossed the narrow bridge into the new year. This month, I face the stillness that I hate so much. It's yoga month. Three times a week, I will shut out the world, turn off the technology, and savor (or hate) an hour that is fully mine. God, help me. I am deathly afraid of the hours to come. I am afraid to commit to these hours that will infringe on my running, my biking, my incessant workload. I am afraid of the shadows looming inside that will only grow bigger and scarier in the stillness. And I am scared sh*tless of a weekend spent in a Yoga Ashram with people so calm and centered (and a bit kooky :P) that I feel my energy will drown everyone there. Just my presence will turn the place on end; I will create enemies just by being there! Unless I can FINALLY learn to control it. I'm not so sure I can but I am going to try. I have no doubt there will be tears, that meditation will be a cacophony of evil voices. I will have to hear them out. I will have to agree with some of them and learn to ignore the others.

My hope is that I can learn to embrace the calmness. That I can find a peaceful blackness inside my head, rather than the cave-like place that is there now. The cave with all the bright eyes glowing from every direction refusing to declare themselves friend or foe. *shudder* My friend of nearly a decade, Kristen, said to me "For as long as I have known you Becca, there has never once been a day when I asked what you were doing next and you said 'nothing.' It's always a list of things that no human could accomplish in a day."

So, here we go. I hope you'll come with me. Pick up your bike and cross the bridge with me. Find some balance this month and learn to enjoy stillness.

This is gonna suck....